Actually, this is not a news flash. My first five grey hairs came in overnight about 20 years ago when I was working as a men's dorm supervisor. An angry student swung at me and the dean chose not to expel him. But I did get a restraining order which made it almost impossible for the guy to live in the dorm. (and once again, I have gone off topic before I even finish the first paragraph.)
No, I've been going grey for 20 years now. But I've been coloring my hair for about, oh, 18 years. Sometimes I am light brown. Sometimes I am dark brown. Reddish. Auburn. Caramel. Mocha. A touch of burgundy. And one memorable experiment gone badly awry when it became sort of orange-y. If I had to tell you my actual hair color, which I do for ID purposes, I say "brown" but I could not pick out the right color to save my life.
But life has been so busy that I haven't been able to find time to re-color it. And so I have about two inches of grey growing in. Sadly, it isn't 100% grey, it's about one third grey and the rest is brown. Enough grey to notice it, but not enough to look cool.
With no time to fix it, I have reverted to my childhood hairstyle: Pull back the front into two barrettes and call it good.
So my aging hair has caused me to wear it like a child.
I don't mind this hairstyle. It's easy. The headset at work doesn't mess it up. No expensive "product" involved. And drying and styling time is minimal.
I wonder if this means I have given up, or have come to terms.
By not staying up until oh-dark-thirty in the morning to get it colored, have I made the decision that I don't care how I look, since I am old? Have I lost interest in the fight against aging? Against becoming my mother? Against looking my age? (how un-American!)
Or have I come to terms with the fact that, although my father blessed me with his genetic makeup which makes me look a good 5 to 8 years younger than I am, I am, indeed, closer to 50 than to 40? Heck, closer to 50 than to 45! Am I finally able to embrace the fact that I am not a child, not a teen, not a young woman, but a middle-aged woman? I have a child who is closer to 30 than to 20 and my mother is in her early 70s.
Is this a sort of mid-life....not "crisis", but perhaps mid-life peace?
It's nice to think that maybe, after warring with myself for my entire life, I am finally accepting who I am. I'd like to think that this is the answer to why my grey hair is out there for everyone to see.
But I suspect that the real answer is that I am just too busy, and some weekend when we have nothing going on, you'll find me in the bathroom experimenting with the latest color. Maybe strip it and see how I look with totally white hair.......
