Slow learner, but I am learning

Normally I am a pretty balanced person.  Not super-sunny or anything like that, but balanced.  Have my anger in control after years of struggling with it, so no rages.  A tad bit on the quiet side.  Shy, but not a recluse.  Practical in action and idealistic in outlook.

Normally.

But ever since I was a wee bitty thing I have been prone to depression.  Didn't realize it at the time (what 7 year old does?) but looking back I saw it.  Sadly, it took me until my mid-30s to realize that I wasn't "right" and get the diagnosis.  I spent a year or so on meds, decided that while they helped, the side-effects weren't worth it (I would rather cry over beer commercials and struggle with depression than spend my days emotionally flat).  My angel of a doc concurred, and sent me to counseling, which helped a bit too.  I learned some good skills.  I realized common triggers for me and my world, and I trundled along with life, pretty balanced.

But recently I have begun to notice symptoms that I didn't notice.  I am gaining weight like mad.  And I don't give a rip.  I don't feel like working out.  Even the lure of running does nothing for me.  I am cranky.  I am pissy.  I get outraged over trivial things.  And I day-dream of running away.

THAT was the kicker.  You see, there is NOTHING in the world that would EVER make me believe suicide is the answer.  So instead, I plot and plan to run away.  I remember a vivid episode of it when I was 12.  I was going to run away from home.  Had it all planned out:  I would leave with my coin collection and all the food I could carry in a pillow case, hike up to the Jumonville Cross.  Very practical for a 12 year old.  But no real plans for what happened once I got there.

In my 30s I began a long stretch of it, this time planning to just up and go to Arizona.  Rent a car down there, and soak in the sun. And that was about the extent of my plans.  Except this time I actually looked into the flights, rental car agencies, and figured which day of the week was best to go. That is when I finally went to the doc and got the diagnosis.  And when I realized that my thoughts of running away were the equivalent to others' thoughts of suicide.

Lately I have been doing it again.  This time I am planning to leave Scott for good.  I have been scoping out the condos in downtown (online), figuring my budget, mentally planning for the fireworks that walking out will start.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't Scott that is the problem.  It's just my way of mentally checking out.  And I am doing it with a vengeance.  Have been for weeks now.  And it only dawned on me what I was doing and what it meant about two days ago.

It's winter here in the PNW, and as a non-native, I am struggling with it once again.  Too many grey days for my body.  Add to that the mother-in-law struggles, the step-son grief and life begins to look bleak.  Throw in the fact that my dear husband is hurting from all of this and not talking much about it (score one for male folly) and is also having some health issues that are making him feel down.  Now add in the fact that I haven't seen my mom or sisters for a year, and my beloved only son for two and a half years.  For good measure, take away my ability to run.  Give me two months in the classroom being bored out of my mind.  Add in a former friend's treacherous lies.  Toss in some Hood to Coast stress.  And simmer.

So the question isn't:  "Am I dealing with a walloping dose of depression?"  The question is:  "How I can be so blind?!"

Needless to say, I have made an appointment with my new doc (but not until I am out of the classroom - missing class is NOT allowed).  I think it is time to try out the pharmacopia and see what sort of fun pills they have these days.  But just knowing what is wrong with me has helped already.  I KNOW what to do.  I KNOW what to avoid.  And I am taking action.  I realize that I am in too deep to dig out on my own this time, but it's a good start.


Happiness Is a Choice: The Symptoms, Causes, and Cures of Depression